“I don’t want to be here anymore”

11Sep08

I guess this could be considered a part two of yesterday’s entry. In fact, the title of it comes from the mouth of my friend and I must admit that sentence never made more sense to me than right now. It’s funny how this one phrase meant something completely different for the both of us. When it’s uttered it almost seems childish, like a 5 year old who doesn’t want to stay with the babysitter or is forced to stay with relatives while mommy and daddy are out. My best friend said it out of frustration, anger and sadness because she can’t go home. I say it because I’m trying to get away from home. I’m trying to get out, she’s trying to come  back. I mentioned in my last post that she’s in Colorado starting a new life. A new city, new apartment but no friends which I guess could make anyone want to go home. But I want her to stick it out because this is her shot, her chance to leave and finally do something she’s never done before. It’s ironic because I was in her place last year. I was the one that left for school in a brand new place 1500 miles away. Nobody knew me and I had to find my way around. But isn’t that what life is about? Stepping out of your comfort zone to challenge yourself and experience new things? Well, that’s exactly what I wanted for my self so I guess that’s why I did it. I made friends, I got involved and I really enjoyed it. For once, I felt like I found my place and as cliche and sappy as it sounds, I was finally living my dreams. But now it’s weird because the tides have turned and now she’s gone away and I’m here. But the problem is I don’t want to be here. The day I found out I wouldn’t be returning for the semester almost felt like my life was falling apart. I know that sounds drastic but it did. I feel like there’s nothing for me here at home anymore. I saw a world of opportunity. It feels like I finally tasted what I wanted most, I was living the dream I always wanted and just like that it was taken from me.

It feels like everything I worked for was lost. Have you ever had that feeling? Like you finally have it all and then just like that it’s gone? I was devastated for a while. I must admit I still am. And everytime I think of what I could be doing it reminds me that much more of how much I don’t want to be here. But then everyone keeps telling me, everything happens for a reason. And I believe that. Sometimes it’s hard though. I always try to stay positive and I know there’s a plan for everyone’s lives but still, this whole ‘life’ thing can be hard to comprehend.

Well, anyway I’m beginning to cope with the fact that i’m not going to be at school this semester. I found 2 jobs while I’m here (one of which I start Friday) so that will occupy my time. But all the while I still can’t help but wonder why. Well, hopefully, this next thought is a sign of growth and maybe coming to terms with my whole situation, but I have stopped saying I don’t want to be here. I do afterall still have family I just really wish that sometimes those little curveballs life likes to throw us could be explained.

My friend isn’t feeling so anti-Colorado any more either. I think she was just going through a moment ( you know how us girls are) and everything that could have gone wrong at the same time did which could cloud anyone’s judgment. I can’t help but wonder what it’d be like if we could see the future, you know? Or at least had little hints or signs drop out from the sky that say “Warning! Warning! Unexpected bumps ahead. Take heed!”

Man, where is that fake Jamaican psychic, Miss Cleo when you need her?

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Tags: life, personal, thoughts