To: Him (part one)

14Sep08

Laying in bed last night I started to think about this one person that in a way changed my life. I met him around this same time last year and now a year later, thinking I’d see him again I have now learned I won’t. What’s even more interesting is the circumstances he’s come to mind under. You see, Hurricane Ike has decided to bear down on Texas and remind us just how wonderful hurricane season is. So with the power out, no flashlights or radio and one working cell phone amongst my family and me, the only option really was to go to sleep. And as I wasn’t tired I guess that’s what led my mind to THIS MAN. Even though half the time I always referred to him as never acting like one. And like many memories that people have, a song likes to accompany itself with it (I guess for dramatic effect). Alicia Keys “Lesson Learned” played in the background of my thoughts and the first few lines really echo how he made me feel.

He broke my heart and now it’s raining just to rub it in

Simple, but it describes what I went through most of the ten months trying to have a relationship with this person. When I first met him, it seemed surreal. He was the complete opposite of everything I ever wanted in a man. Well, he met the physical requirements (tall, nice smile, smooth talk…okay, probably wondering what’s not to like?) And besides that he knew just what to say (which later proves to be the problem), he challenged me and was just overall interesting. But here’s where the opposite part came in. I didn’t know this at first but he had a reputation. Beyond that of typical man-whore, he was super man-whore, disrespectful, a player. A pure recipe for disaster. But I didn’t believe it. I gave him chance after chance, didn’t listen to my friends because I knew deep down inside he would come around and the only reason he acted like that is because he never had a good person care for him before.

You’ll say I told you so, you saw it long ago, you knew he had to go

I’m writing this to say all the things I could never say to him. All the things I want him to know but he’s too damn selfish and ignorant to understand and so I will never be able to tell him. But I wanted him. So here goes.. To you, You’re an asshole. Okay, that felt good but you also knew that already because I’ve said it to you several times before. And each time I told you that, what did you do? You laughed. Maybe because you knew it was true or maybe because most of the girls you go with don’t say anything back at all. They don’t question you, never tell you no. So you feel free to take advantage. But I was determined to be different. I wasn’t going to let you walk all over me without a fight. Do you remember how I confronted you that night at your apartment? Are you seeing other people, how many? You couldn’t even give me a direct answer. You flipped the script on me like what I was saying was preposterous. Absolutely unheard of! What? Men lie? Absurd! But I let it go, for fear of losing you.

Sometimes some lies can take a minute to fully realize

You don’t know this but most of my friends said they saw you with other people. What do you make of that? or maybe you don’t care because if you did you wouldn’t have been so out in the open about it. You know, what really cracks me up is how you always considered yourself real. You always, if I can recall said I was the one bullshittin. Like I obviously don’t want to be with you because I don’t call, I don’t text. I don’t do ENOUGH. Well, let me tell you something. I chase after no one. I had a brick wall around my heart that no two-bit playboy was going to tear down. So if I didn’t keep in contact with you, it’s because I felt like I shouldn’t have to. If you want me bad enough you know where I am. And so many times, people said, ‘Get him out of your life, he’s using you.” And I tried because I knew that part of me was letting myself turn into someone else. So for a while I stopped. I quit on you. Just like everyone else in your life will if you continue on in your douchebag ways. For a while, I became bent on the idea that karma will take care of you. The way you treated me will come back on you ten-fold because you shouldn’t hurt the person that cares about you. And I cared about you. I don’t think..I loved you. But I contemplated, I sacrificed, got sick. I cried. Hell, I sobbed. Wore myself out, realized you were detrimental to my health, dedicated a week (yes, a week) to playing the I don’t want you in my life game and still…

You give it one more chance just like the time before, but he already knows you’d give a hundred more

Which I guess is why you always knew what to say at the right time. Just when you could feel me leaving you and that control you had over me slipping away, you came back. Asked me why I didn’t contact you anymore, manipulating me into believing that I was in the wrong and you were right. Time after time, you did! Time after time. Do you remember those lunches I bought  you, the favors I did? Do you remember how I asked you if you would do the same for me? (Silence) I assume you don’t know what to say. Or how about when you told me you were ready for a relationship and I thought I could be the one who turns the shameless playboy around. Why don’t you just admit it, huh? Why don’t you just admit that you don’t care and I became just another girl to you. Everything I didn’t want to be I was. Hmph..it’s funny how people will let themselves go for another person. Here I am thinking all you wanted was me. Naive, right? Suddenly, when I looked into the mirror, it wasn’t clear anymore. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. You, on the brain, day in day out. And now I won’t see you again. By the time I return in January, you will be gone. No closure, no goodbye. How does that make you feel? It doesn’t i guess since you haven’t said anything to me and you don’t know that i’m not coming back. I hated you. Past tense. But part of me hated myself more for allowing you to make me cry. I let a few tears drop while writing this. Not seeing you in 4 months has helped. I mean the only times you ever called was because you wanted something. DON’T do it. Don’t lie and act like that ain’t true. Because it is. So why do I still cry? How come I think of you and tear up? Maybe because of what could have been…I’m getting better though believe that.

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Tags: life, love, men, relationships