Redemption (To:Him part 2)

15Sep08

So I haven’t talked to you since wishing you a happy birthday two weeks ago. I hear you’re back to your old ways manipulating people and having girls running your errands for you. Looking back on it, I think I should give myself credit. As much as I didn’t know how to deal with you or what to do, I never stooped down to that level. You could never order me around or treat me like a dog. And what gives you the authority to do that? How can you just waltz around from person to person and never think about the destruction you leave in your path?

I was really thinking by now that you would grow up and change but now I know better. Even though it’s taken me a long time to come to this point I have decided that I’m better off without you in my life. Sometimes I still miss you and I wish for that closure, that final goodbye but it’s finally occured to me that that won’t happen. And at the same time, I’m not mad at you. I actually thank you because I learned something about myself. I learned my likes and dislikes, and it reinforced what I’m looking for not just in a man but in someone that truly cares about me.

So was the 10 months a waste of time? No, not at all. They were some of the best experiences I’ve ever had but now I must close that chapter of my life. Though you’ve always been free, though you’ve never needed my permission for the choices you’ve made, I have set you free from myself. One of the hardest things for me to do is let go and I’m finally learning to do it. To get rid of the harmful things that won’t further me. I asked God to remove those things from my life that were poison and I guess that’s what he’s done.

Sometimes I do still wish that I was there though. Just to show you how much better off I am without you. But I guess the best revenge will be you seeing me later in life happy and successful and you’ll realize what you lost, what you could have had. That is if you aren’t realizing that already.

I’m learning that I will be fine. And the person that I used to know is finally coming back.

My soul has returned, so I call it a lesson learned.

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Tags: personal, thoughts