This year was probably the first year in my entire life that I actually loathed Christmas. Or maybe not Christmas per se, but the holidays and everything that comes with them. And really I don’t think it would have been that big of a deal except I experienced the only kind of chaos and sheer pandomonium that occurs when you work at the mall. Usually, I get into the Christmas spirit right after Thanksgiving. My family puts up decorations, we crank up the CDs in the car and all of this goes on happily until New Years. But this year it was all different. For starters, the mall started playing Christmas music 3 weeks before Thanksgiving. Yes, Thanksgiving. So before we even had the chance to thank the Pilgrims for jacking the Native Americans land amd then feasting with them, Santa rolled out his sleigh and brought Rudolph, Frosty and the little elves with him. What luck! So I was forced to become holly and jolly almost a month before I wanted to. Not to mention the Christmas decorations to accompany the music. Huge red ornaments, foliage shaped reindeer, lights outside of Macys…if you don’t work at the mall or have never experienced working at one during the holidays, you probably don’t understand why Im such a Scrooge. And then, just like everything else in America, we have the commercialization. The Black Friday sales “hurry and get it all before it’s gone!” And did no one want to wrap their gifts this year? It seems like almost everyone that came in asked us to wrap the gifts for them. “Oh, I just don’t feel like wrapping this year,” one customer said. “I’m just going to stick everything in bags.” Nothing like the joy of giving right? Why, the kids will rush downstairs Christmas morning and unwrap gifts? Heavens, no! They’ll just take the tissue paper out of the bag, peer inside and see a new (insert item here) staring at them. Yep, that’s Christmas. For all the people that I’ve seen at the mall this past month, the only thing that comes to mind is recession? What recession? But don’t be fooled. While I do think  everyone does have a glimmer of hope for the coming year, the only thing driving sales was the incredible amount of price slashing retailers were doing. And thus, the masses came holding out for those special bargains, haggling, complaining, returning, exchanging and sucking the life out of everything I used to love about Christmas.

When I was little, Christmas is what I looked forward to all-year round. The minute Thanksgiving passed I knew it was time. And I think the best part wasn’t even the gifts but the stocking stuffers, because well, who doesn’t like receiving little gifts in a stocking everyday? And then finally, the morning would come. My dad would have everything set-up, the video camera on the tripod, Little Drummer Boy playing. And we would each take turns opening a gift. And even better was decorating the tree. Building it from bottom up, putting on the lights and the ornaments. The garland on the staircase and my mother would take the time to place red bows along it. Wreaths on the door, angels on the table. Christmas pillows. collectors edition Christmas bears. This is what I lived for. And now because I’ve had a drastic year and was forced to get into Christmas early, I hate it. Well, hated it. The truth is I still love Christmas and everything about it.  But I must say this is the LAST Christmas I spend working at the mall.

And if you were one of the people out in the hustle and bustle trying to find that perfect gift, don’t. Just stop. Go home and be with your families. Take the time to decorate the tree and put in little stocking stuffers. I feel like Christmas has become a ”oh crap, not again” holiday instead of a “finally, it’s here” holiday like it used to be. Or maybe people were just dying for a sense of normalcy. Spending like there’s no tomorrow even though they just got laid off or can’t pay their bills.

Who cares? We said. Recession this, recession that. I don’t care what anyone says Im going to have my lavish Christmas. I would like to think thats what everyone was thinking. That we aren’t going to let doom and gloom get the best of us. But then, I remember waking up at 5 in the morning to open up the store at 6 and all I could say was, ‘Screw this! I don’t care what sales are going on today, I’d take being at home over this anyday.”

Oh Christmas! Sorry, but this year, I’m going with the Grinch.

As someone who’s both a reality t.v. junkie and obsessed with fashion/modeling, I figured America’ s Next Top Model would be all I need to satisfy my fix. Afterall, I’ve been loyal to it for all the cycles..ok well most considering I think the show (as beloved as it is) should soon come to an end. But even me, someone who is not afraid to give even the sleaziest of sleaze bucket reality shows a chance (Rock of Love Charm School, anyone?) couldn’t stomach what is shown on Wednesday nights after ANTM. The monstrosity I refer to is Stylista. The spawn of creators Tyra Banks and Ken Mok, Stylista shows 11 hopefuls vying to get their feet through the doors of Elle magazine to become junior editors  ( and in addition they also get a posh apartment in Manhattan for the length of their contract and a one-year clothing allowance to H&M which I would DIE for but i digress…) Heading the show is Anne Slowey, Elle Fashion News Director along with her sidekick, er, judge Joe Zee, Elle’s Creative Director. They usually are accompanied by a third judge but that changes weekly. The idea sounds nice but the execution, not so much. For starters, I thought the show would actually be about people trying to become stylists! Instead, each challenge is the contestants getting into groups of three to complete an editorial task where they make layouts to test if they really fit into the ELLE mold. Oh, and these lovely challenges are also accompanied by assistant tasks. So, it wouldn’t seem half bad but Slowey I cant’t take seriously. A) the pompous wanna-be British accent has got to go! She sounds like she’s trying to be a bitch– Very Miranda Priestly I must say. And while the contestants aren’t half-bad, you can’t help but wonder why? My first time watching the show I tuned into the whole house ganging up on Kate, a cleavage-baring former law student who has become the scapegoat. At first, I thought they were being a little harsh, but after further watching I think a 5- year old could do better than her. Anyway, I have quickly become a fan of Ashlie. She’s smart, has a great work ethic and has already become a great enemy of Megan, a boutique owner. As with all reality t.v. shows there must be somebody conniving because they feel threatened and of course, the only way they’ll win is by getting rid of the competition (i.e. Megan hating Ashlie.) This little feud keeps me interested, not to mention some of their challenges I’ve done before in journalism courses and working in retail. Yes, I feel a slight connection to this fashion world which is probably the other reason I don’t turn the channel after ANTM is over. But if I were to miss an episode, you wouldn’t find me crying about it. I read the Devil Wears Prada and saw the less than fabulous movie and this show strives to be just like it. I don’t know, I guess I just find it a bit exaggerated. Sure there are real emotions, these are people’s fates we’re talking about here, but when you have an editor, ahem, I mean creative director whose nose is so far stuck up in the air, I can’t help but gag.

Oh well, perhaps I’m just mad I don’t have my own reality show. Nonetheless, I probably will continue to watch it (like i said REALITY T.V. JUNKIE) at least until Ashlie gets booted off. After that, it’s goodbye Stylista, hello House of Payne!

It never really occued to me that this trend would blow up so huge this season. I remember last year in the brutal winter months in Pennsylvania, ladies were actually wearing leggings as pants. I repeat AS PANTS. Not with anything over them, not even a long tunic, just a little Northface fleece jacket, leggings, and UGG boots (don’t even get me started on the UGGS). Everytime I saw a female do this I just shook my head in disgust and sadness for this obvious idiot who forgot to layer on a few more clothes that morning. After that, I became anti-legging or at least vowed not to wear them unless I wore a tunic or dress over them. But after a summer of working at Express, I suddenly got pulled into this Spandex phenomenon. Except now, spandex isn’t the only material these second skins come in. As we started to get fall merchandise, leggings were made of shiny knit nylon and spandex and dare I say, leather! Yes, leather. The first thing I did when I saw these was wrinkle my nose and wonder why. Why would anyone want to wear that? Why would anyone who has friends let their beloved come out in something that tough motorcyle jackets are made of? (okay, so the leggings are probably pleather but you get my point). Besides the material, they also came in colors like hot pink, purple, ARGYLE, glitter, metallic…and then let’s not forget stirrup leggings. You can’t have leggings without paying homage to the one who started it all. Honestly, unless the fashionistas are having a serious case of 80’s flashback I just didn’t see this whole leather legging (among other things) kicking off. Well dare I say it, and I don’t like to say it often, but I was wrong. Apparently, this whole leggings thing is just what the doctor ordered. I must admit even I have fallen victim to it. No, I haven’t rushed out to buy any of the newest pairs but I kind of, sort of want to try the leather pair. After seeing Charlize Theron rock the look with a long white tee and metallic silver jacket I was sold. Though, I am still a bit leary of it on my self considering in my head it looks good but in front of the mirror in the dressing room it could look atrocious. And it’s also important to remember not everyone is Charlize Theron (a memo I wish alot of people got last year.) Not everyone can wear leggings, tights or anything else spandex-y and expect their less than perfect body parts not to show. If anything, what their trying to hide ends up being enhanced. So with that in mind, what do you think? Should we all embrace this replacement for real pants or will it end up being an ultimate enemy?

So I haven’t talked to you since wishing you a happy birthday two weeks ago. I hear you’re back to your old ways manipulating people and having girls running your errands for you. Looking back on it, I think I should give myself credit. As much as I didn’t know how to deal with you or what to do, I never stooped down to that level. You could never order me around or treat me like a dog. And what gives you the authority to do that? How can you just waltz around from person to person and never think about the destruction you leave in your path?

I was really thinking by now that you would grow up and change but now I know better. Even though it’s taken me a long time to come to this point I have decided that I’m better off without you in my life. Sometimes I still miss you and I wish for that closure, that final goodbye but it’s finally occured to me that that won’t happen. And at the same time, I’m not mad at you. I actually thank you because I learned something about myself. I learned my likes and dislikes, and it reinforced what I’m looking for not just in a man but in someone that truly cares about me.

So was the 10 months a waste of time? No, not at all. They were some of the best experiences I’ve ever had but now I must close that chapter of my life. Though you’ve always been free, though you’ve never needed my permission for the choices you’ve made, I have set you free from myself. One of the hardest things for me to do is let go and I’m finally learning to do it. To get rid of the harmful things that won’t further me. I asked God to remove those things from my life that were poison and I guess that’s what he’s done.

Sometimes I do still wish that I was there though. Just to show you how much better off I am without you. But I guess the best revenge will be you seeing me later in life happy and successful and you’ll realize what you lost, what you could have had. That is if you aren’t realizing that already.

I’m learning that I will be fine. And the person that I used to know is finally coming back.

My soul has returned, so I call it a lesson learned.

I just wanted to share a song that got me through and is still getting me through…

Laying in bed last night I started to think about this one person that in a way changed my life. I met him around this same time last year and now a year later, thinking I’d see him again I have now learned I won’t. What’s even more interesting is the circumstances he’s come to mind under. You see, Hurricane Ike has decided to bear down on Texas and remind us just how wonderful hurricane season is. So with the power out, no flashlights or radio and one working cell phone amongst my family and me, the only option really was to go to sleep. And as I wasn’t tired I guess that’s what led my mind to THIS MAN. Even though half the time I always referred to him as never acting like one. And like many memories that people have, a song likes to accompany itself with it (I guess for dramatic effect). Alicia Keys “Lesson Learned” played in the background of my thoughts and the first few lines really echo how he made me feel.

He broke my heart and now it’s raining just to rub it in

Simple, but it describes what I went through most of the ten months trying to have a relationship with this person. When I first met him, it seemed surreal. He was the complete opposite of everything I ever wanted in a man. Well, he met the physical requirements (tall, nice smile, smooth talk…okay, probably wondering what’s not to like?) And besides that he knew just what to say (which later proves to be the problem), he challenged me and was just overall interesting. But here’s where the opposite part came in. I didn’t know this at first but he had a reputation. Beyond that of typical man-whore, he was super man-whore, disrespectful, a player. A pure recipe for disaster. But I didn’t believe it. I gave him chance after chance, didn’t listen to my friends because I knew deep down inside he would come around and the only reason he acted like that is because he never had a good person care for him before.

You’ll say I told you so, you saw it long ago, you knew he had to go

I’m writing this to say all the things I could never say to him. All the things I want him to know but he’s too damn selfish and ignorant to understand and so I will never be able to tell him. But I wanted him. So here goes.. To you, You’re an asshole. Okay, that felt good but you also knew that already because I’ve said it to you several times before. And each time I told you that, what did you do? You laughed. Maybe because you knew it was true or maybe because most of the girls you go with don’t say anything back at all. They don’t question you, never tell you no. So you feel free to take advantage. But I was determined to be different. I wasn’t going to let you walk all over me without a fight. Do you remember how I confronted you that night at your apartment? Are you seeing other people, how many? You couldn’t even give me a direct answer. You flipped the script on me like what I was saying was preposterous. Absolutely unheard of! What? Men lie? Absurd! But I let it go, for fear of losing you.

Sometimes some lies can take a minute to fully realize

You don’t know this but most of my friends said they saw you with other people. What do you make of that? or maybe you don’t care because if you did you wouldn’t have been so out in the open about it. You know, what really cracks me up is how you always considered yourself real. You always, if I can recall said I was the one bullshittin. Like I obviously don’t want to be with you because I don’t call, I don’t text. I don’t do ENOUGH. Well, let me tell you something. I chase after no one. I had a brick wall around my heart that no two-bit playboy was going to tear down. So if I didn’t keep in contact with you, it’s because I felt like I shouldn’t have to. If you want me bad enough you know where I am. And so many times, people said, ‘Get him out of your life, he’s using you.” And I tried because I knew that part of me was letting myself turn into someone else. So for a while I stopped. I quit on you. Just like everyone else in your life will if you continue on in your douchebag ways. For a while, I became bent on the idea that karma will take care of you. The way you treated me will come back on you ten-fold because you shouldn’t hurt the person that cares about you. And I cared about you. I don’t think..I loved you. But I contemplated, I sacrificed, got sick. I cried. Hell, I sobbed. Wore myself out, realized you were detrimental to my health, dedicated a week (yes, a week) to playing the I don’t want you in my life game and still…

You give it one more chance just like the time before, but he already knows you’d give a hundred more

Which I guess is why you always knew what to say at the right time. Just when you could feel me leaving you and that control you had over me slipping away, you came back. Asked me why I didn’t contact you anymore, manipulating me into believing that I was in the wrong and you were right. Time after time, you did! Time after time. Do you remember those lunches I bought  you, the favors I did? Do you remember how I asked you if you would do the same for me? (Silence) I assume you don’t know what to say. Or how about when you told me you were ready for a relationship and I thought I could be the one who turns the shameless playboy around. Why don’t you just admit it, huh? Why don’t you just admit that you don’t care and I became just another girl to you. Everything I didn’t want to be I was. Hmph..it’s funny how people will let themselves go for another person. Here I am thinking all you wanted was me. Naive, right? Suddenly, when I looked into the mirror, it wasn’t clear anymore. I didn’t know who I was or what I wanted. You, on the brain, day in day out. And now I won’t see you again. By the time I return in January, you will be gone. No closure, no goodbye. How does that make you feel? It doesn’t i guess since you haven’t said anything to me and you don’t know that i’m not coming back. I hated you. Past tense. But part of me hated myself more for allowing you to make me cry. I let a few tears drop while writing this. Not seeing you in 4 months has helped. I mean the only times you ever called was because you wanted something. DON’T do it. Don’t lie and act like that ain’t true. Because it is. So why do I still cry? How come I think of you and tear up? Maybe because of what could have been…I’m getting better though believe that.

I guess this could be considered a part two of yesterday’s entry. In fact, the title of it comes from the mouth of my friend and I must admit that sentence never made more sense to me than right now. It’s funny how this one phrase meant something completely different for the both of us. When it’s uttered it almost seems childish, like a 5 year old who doesn’t want to stay with the babysitter or is forced to stay with relatives while mommy and daddy are out. My best friend said it out of frustration, anger and sadness because she can’t go home. I say it because I’m trying to get away from home. I’m trying to get out, she’s trying to come  back. I mentioned in my last post that she’s in Colorado starting a new life. A new city, new apartment but no friends which I guess could make anyone want to go home. But I want her to stick it out because this is her shot, her chance to leave and finally do something she’s never done before. It’s ironic because I was in her place last year. I was the one that left for school in a brand new place 1500 miles away. Nobody knew me and I had to find my way around. But isn’t that what life is about? Stepping out of your comfort zone to challenge yourself and experience new things? Well, that’s exactly what I wanted for my self so I guess that’s why I did it. I made friends, I got involved and I really enjoyed it. For once, I felt like I found my place and as cliche and sappy as it sounds, I was finally living my dreams. But now it’s weird because the tides have turned and now she’s gone away and I’m here. But the problem is I don’t want to be here. The day I found out I wouldn’t be returning for the semester almost felt like my life was falling apart. I know that sounds drastic but it did. I feel like there’s nothing for me here at home anymore. I saw a world of opportunity. It feels like I finally tasted what I wanted most, I was living the dream I always wanted and just like that it was taken from me.

It feels like everything I worked for was lost. Have you ever had that feeling? Like you finally have it all and then just like that it’s gone? I was devastated for a while. I must admit I still am. And everytime I think of what I could be doing it reminds me that much more of how much I don’t want to be here. But then everyone keeps telling me, everything happens for a reason. And I believe that. Sometimes it’s hard though. I always try to stay positive and I know there’s a plan for everyone’s lives but still, this whole ‘life’ thing can be hard to comprehend.

Well, anyway I’m beginning to cope with the fact that i’m not going to be at school this semester. I found 2 jobs while I’m here (one of which I start Friday) so that will occupy my time. But all the while I still can’t help but wonder why. Well, hopefully, this next thought is a sign of growth and maybe coming to terms with my whole situation, but I have stopped saying I don’t want to be here. I do afterall still have family I just really wish that sometimes those little curveballs life likes to throw us could be explained.

My friend isn’t feeling so anti-Colorado any more either. I think she was just going through a moment ( you know how us girls are) and everything that could have gone wrong at the same time did which could cloud anyone’s judgment. I can’t help but wonder what it’d be like if we could see the future, you know? Or at least had little hints or signs drop out from the sky that say “Warning! Warning! Unexpected bumps ahead. Take heed!”

Man, where is that fake Jamaican psychic, Miss Cleo when you need her?

If the world was 2 seconds away from nuclear destruction would you pick up the phone? If you saw that the caller ID said “World Calling” would you answer in a heartbeat or roll your eyes and turnover the other way in bed? I must admit, my first instinct would be the latter option. I mean, honestly, if the world is going to end anyway what’s waking me up gonna do? Well, I’ve received the 3am phone call, the 2am phone call the 4 in the afternoon phone call and everything else in between. In fact, I received one of them last night right before I was about to go to bed (but then again, doesn’t that always seem to be the time when someone needs something?). It was the usual evening phone call from my best friend. But what I thought would be a ‘just checking in with you for the day’ ended up being the nuclear destruction I mentioned earlier. See, she just left for college in August after staying home for a year to work. Naturally, she had her qualms about leaving but I assured her everything would be fine. And for a while (more like 2 weeks), she’s been okay with her biggest worry of course being if she’ll make friends.

*Sidenote: If I can deviate for a minute I find it funny how when we reach a certain age we feel all grown and get that ‘can’t tell me nothin’ attitude but then something as junior high school as not having friends can put us right back in our places again.

Anyway, as this is her first time away from home I am constantly telling her the friends will come it’ll fall into place. But as usual, something or someone has to mess it all up. See, when I picked up the phone last night I wasn’t greeted with a cheery “hey!” instead I heard a sniffle and a choke. To anyone else, that would have been a red flag to hang up and hope the person never calls back again. But I know better. I knew she was crying. One of those deep heart wrenching cries like someone just died or you’re 14 and just found out you’re pregnant. I knew it wasn’t the last one so I figured it was death. But I couldn’t even blame death for this one. No, the cause this time, like several others was because of her ex-boyfriend who deleted her from his myspace and in her eyes, his entire life.

What can you say to someone who feels like the person they love most erased them from their minds? Whited them out and wrote all over them like they never existed? I was at a loss for words because a) this isn’t the first time Mr. Wonderful has pulled this stunt and b) because she was taking it so hard. My friend was in love with him. Her heart beated for him, she breathed for him because he was all she had when everyone else was gone. But I’ve never felt that kind of love. Maybe strong like, but not love. I mean I’ve felt the butterflies, or what could have been mistakenly indigestion but not love. Not the L-WORD. And it’s thanks to this word that my best friend can’t comprehend, can’t fathom what’s going on in her ex-boyfriends life. She can’t understand why their distance means they can’t talk anymore, can’t be friends.

I told her maybe he just shouldn’t be in her life. If someone can hurt you so much time after time, constantly disappointing, then maybe they need to be removed from your life. But she is a human being, and for those of us with a heart, sometimes it’s just too hard to let go.

I didn’t have the answers for her last night and I don’t have them now. All I could do was let her cry, another sob, another choke, all over the phone. And then I questioned it, asked if this whole love thing is really worth it.

Is it really better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all?

Hmmm… so what does one put on their first blog entry? I imagine it’s a little bit like writing on Xanga (remember those?) where you post any and everything that went on in your life that day. I used to get on that thing religiously because something inside me thought that the world cared. Well, 5 years and a forgotten Xanga password later, I realized they don’t. I mean really, who cares about reading how Sally’s first day of 7th grade went? Or that her boyfriend cheated on her with her best friend? (Well, the last one actually would have made me more of a devoted blog reader if that kind of juice was on there every day.) And yet, here I am again. Not on Xanga, but on another website simply because a million thoughts have been crossing my mind everyday and I’ve nowhere to put them. True, I could always just go the traditional route and get the notebook with the snazzy cover and colorful pages (don’t act like you don’t know. There’s nothing like writing in a journal with pink poetic butterflies). But instead, I’ve chosen, like millions of people around the world, to share my thoughts on the computer. I also hope to be slightly more devoted to this than the abandoned journals sitting in my desk drawer. I hope to be more devoted to this than my Xanga even (although getting smiley face comments after a good entry was always a nice motivation to return and leave my hungry audience wanting for more).

So I’ve rambled more than I intended but I have come to one conclusion which I guess is at least a nice start to my first blog entry. I hear the clicking of my acryclic (dying to be refilled) nails pounding the keyboard in a haste to get my ever-fleeting, not half as brilliant as I think they are thoughts onto the screen before I forget them.

The Xanga queen strikes again…